So I don't know what hole he dug to find this guy, but in any case, he acts as the "voice" of the boss since he himself now realizes (?) that being unable to type like a human being has an impact on business discussions. Imagine some guy listening to Frankenstein grunting and groaning and then turning it into something humans might understand. For the most part he has been doing correspondance between the boss and clients until they can meet face to face so the boss doesn't embarass himself by showing off his amazing email skills.

As far as I can tell, he writes whatever the boss says, regardless of how crazy it is, only in proper (or at least better) English.

In one of his great acts this summer, we have the following legible, but still insane, internal memo:

From : (new voice)
To : All staff
Subject : The water usage rule and cellular phones (update)

As you know, the number of allowed drinks taken per day was reduced from 3 to 2 in order to save water (and the environment). Please do not bring your own drinks because this is stealing time and money from the company when you should be working.

Once the summer heat cools we will consider raising the limit to 3 again, but until that time please do not take extra drinks.


Next, cellular phones. They are strictly forbidden during business hours or whenever you are in the office. (Boss) may use his phone during work hours but only because he is helping the business. Do not use your phones in the W.C. Do not use them on the floor below this.

However please consider that we are always very busy and you may be required to work extra hours outside of standard hours. If (boss) has left for home before you, you must call his home phone to ask for permission to leave first. If you can not reach him do not leave and call later. You must call and ask for permission before you can leave.

Leave your cellular phone on when you are not in the office so you can be called back to work when it is required.

Reply to this mail with "I understand and agree."

I haven't updated in a long time, mostly because most people associated with the company have abandoned it, and getting material from there is getting to be a bit tough.

However, I still have access to their email and can get some gems

Example 1 : Ridiculous on multiple levels (recipient of this was born in the 70s)

I WAS UISIONG THE IONTERNERT BEFOIRE YOIU WERE BOIRN!!!

Example 2 : Only apology I found on record

IOM SOIRRY IO YELED AT YOIU

Example 3 (from insane client) : This guy is pure LEGEND!

...and HR hired someone from Nam, yeah a real gook. I thought she was from the Philipins [sic] for months because they all speak whore English

...yeah, it was like 24-hour a day insanity while I was there.

Well, since the boss came back, and got in a variety of legal trouble on multiple levels for issues of harassment, messing with immigration, barratry, etc. he came up with an idea that only he thinks could never fail. It is obvious he told someone to type it up because it is spelled correctly, but the content itself is straight-up boss-level quality.

Employee Time Allocation Report


In order to improve productivity and understand how staff are spending their time, please fill out this form and return to (boss) when completed.


1. Make a list of your hobbies and regular activities and rate the important to you on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being most important)


2. In what ways do you think you benefit (the company)?


3. In what ways do you think you could better benefit (the company)?


4. What would you say is your greatest asset to (the company)?


5. What would you say is your greatest weakness?


6. How many hours per week do you work (including weekends)?


6b. If you do not work on weekends, explain why.


7. Do you think the number of hours you work to be enough for (the company)? Why?


8. Would you be willing to work during the night hours in exchange for having the daylight hours off?


When finished, please mail the response to (boss) and send an email to (boss) letting him know you have completed the form

I guess the part about losing his residence status due to immigration violations and being put under police watch got left out.


From : (boss)
To : (all staff)
Subject : BE CAERFUIL!!!!!

IO AM BACK BUT BE CAREFUIL IOF YUIO PLAM OIN LEAVIONG (country spelled wrong)! I DIOD NOITHIONG ANMD THET STOILE MY RESIODENCVE STATUIS!!!!! ION THESE DAYS OIF TERORIOSM WE AL HAVER TIO MAKE SACRIOFIUCES BUIT BE CAREFUIL AND DOI NOIT LEAVE THE COIUNTRY WITHOIUT MY PERMIOSOIN! IOF YUIO DO YOIU MAY HAVE TOI GIOVE UP LIOBERTY FOIR FREDOIM!

Well, the staff was okay for a while, and then took another dive.

Seems the temp staff doing grunt work was told to become the new tax lady since the old one was in jail for the forseeable future. She took it upon herself to pay the staff on payday. A very nice move for all staff.

Sometime amidst this, she let the boss find out and he was fuming mad because, according to his logic, he has to authorize each and every payday for each and every employee, and he isn't due back for another half month or so yet.

Now we have 2 bizarre situations:

1. The new tax lady was told to send a message to (tell) all staff saying to pay back their salaries until the boss got back.

2. The boss sent out this gem to accompany it:

From : (boss)
To : (all staff)
Subject : MOITIVATION!

I PAY YOIU WELL AND WHEN IO CAMNT I FUILLY EXPOECT YOUI TO COIOPERATE!!!!!! DONT YOIU THIONK ABOIUT WOIRK WHERN YOIU GET HOIME?!!! YOIU CANMT OINLY WOIRK FOIR JUST MIONEY!!!!!!!



Hmm... seems like that whole "u" "i" "o" section on his keyboard is still stuck and getting worse.

And people wonder why staff there go crazy or become alcoholics.

I am speechless... Given his skillset though, I can only assume he thought "forwarded mail" and "posted to the internet" mean the same thing. That, or he has no idea how people are getting at this mail.


To : (all his staff)
CC : (all our staff and a bunch of people in other companies)
Subject : TRAITOR!!!!!

THE POLICE TOLD ME SOMEONE IS POSTING MY PRIVATE MAIL TO THE INTERNET!!!!! IF I FIND OUT WHO IT IS I WILL KILL YOU!!!!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!!!! I WILL MURDER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, after getting yet another mail asking ever so politely where his ex-employee went to the tune of:

"WHERE IS (ex-employee)!? IF I FIND HER I WILL STRANGLE HER TO DEATH!!!!!!!"

I figured it was time to involve the law.

So, after finding out where insane client is based, I phoned (long distance) the police department in his city and informed them what was going on. It seems they take death threats *very* seriously, and after providing them with my own contact information for reference, they asked for whatever details I could give them. I forwarded all such death-threat-related mail to them and let them handle it. Of course, should the police act on this, I guess there will be no need to hide names/companies anymore.


In other news, tax lady (that assaulted immigration staff) has been abandoned in jail. I have no idea what is going to happen to her, but in her place, a temp staff has taken her spot. Completely unqualified, but at that office, experience in anything isn't required it seems.

Long story short, our old insane client (read: fuckshits) sent a staff member over after agreeing to sign a contract on both sides worth ... 0. ("we can use the knowledge we get from this to make a lot of money later! This can't fail!")

Despite this not being a good business decision, the staff sent over was not too fond of her boss, and she was not too keen on the boss on this end. Since she had planned on staying with friends and traveling around here anyways, I suppose there is some logic in being far, far away from her insane boss before saying she quits. The exact response:

From : (insane client)
To : (ex-employee)
CC : some staff on both sides directly related to the project
Subject : re: I QUIT!

"QUIT ON ME!?!???!!! YOU'VE JUST SIGNED YOUR OWN DEATH WARRANT YOU WORTHLESS BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

... I'm pretty sure death threats are illegal, regardless of this happening across international borders (both involved are of the same nationality), aren't they?

Anyways, she is gone and traveling around, so good on her, I guess.

Basically, the exciting (?) conclusion is that she made another copy of this document (mentioned in pt. 1) to hand to immigration. This time though, she was armed with her secret weapon:

anger

Since, of course, immigration is in a fine enough position to laugh at someone even trying to attempt what she is doing, this only aggravates vindictive tax lady. So, if you were a clearly-insane employee of a clearly-insane boss, what would you do?

That's right!

You assault the staff at immigration until police haul you away!

Long story short, she is now in a teeny-tiny-box somewhere on the moon.

So, crazy tax lady is hell bent on not just making sure I have left the company, but making an example of me (regardless of the fact what she tried to do wasn't fully within the law). She went so far as to type up a letter to submit to immigration, and forged my signature (wrong). It was originally a Word Document, but I can put the contents here since it was triple spaced and there weren't so many words on it.

Notice of Voluntary Deportation

I, (space for my name), hereby relinquish my VISA status due to my voluntary

dismissal from (company name written in full), and thereby forfeit my privilege to

reside in (this country) within 48 hours of submission of this notice.


I will comply with all (of this country's applicable) laws and return the wages I

had earned from the first day of employment up until the date on this form. I

understand that any remaining costs left over will be my responsibility to pay after

leaving (this country).


Along with this form, I submit my foreign registration (ID) along with my passport.

Signed,
(two spaces, one for company, one for me)

Now, in addition to the fact this very attempt is illegal, forging my name and trying to submit it doesn't work any better. (see part 2 for the conclusion; this is a bit time consuming to explain)

Way too many bits and pieces lately, but I have enough to piece together this.

Part 1:

Must to what the boss used to do, he tried barring in the entire staff to deliver another EMERGENCY delivery.  One of the employees had a family and a sick wife to return to and had already made that fact clear in the morning

Well, afternoon rolls around and all of a sudden a mass mail is sent out "NOONE WIOLL LEAVBE THE OFICE UNTIL ALL WOIRK IS DIONE!!!!"

Whatever

So quitting time rolls around and the boss does another "I'M BLOCKING THE DOOR SO YOU CAN'T GET OUT!   NOW GET BACK TO WORK!"

So previously-mentioned employee after exchanging some kind words was faced with "GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!  YOU ARE HERE UNTIL YOU FINISH EVERYTHING! NOT PART OF IT, ALL OF IT!"

And then a big fist flew and the bad boss fell down

And the other employees walked over him to go home.



Part 2 (addendum)

The next week, a mail was sent out implying that the current week would be just as busy if not busier.  The same employee took it upon himself to send out the lovely mail:

From : (disgruntled employee)
To : (boss)
CC : (everyone in company)
Subject : re: HARD WEEK AHEAD!!!!

(boss by his first name),
If you try to make us stay again, you will be punched out again.

(signature)

because YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO SPACE OUT YOUR DOSAGES OF PAIN KILLERS!!! etc. etc. is a bad thing.  It made the old boss crazy beyond crazy.  From the weird to the blatantly offensive, and he doesn't even think he is doing anything wrong.

He did something recently that will make many people's blood boil, so this is a forewarning before I share it.

Well, around the lunch "period", the boss usually orders the secretary to make him lunch or to order some for him (or if you are unlucky/foolish enough to leave for lunch before him, get "ordered" (haha) to get some food for him).

In any case, the staff is completely fed up with it, and don't pay any attention to these "demands", regardless of how loud he screams.

So, out of whatever logic he thought was appropriate, while one of the marketing staff was in the toilet, the boss opened and ate the lunch the marketing guy's wife made for him.

The response, surprisingly, was to calmly walk over to the company safe, take out $80US worth of cash and have one nice Chinese lunch in its place.

This same staff is also filing harassment charges over this and other incidents.

Since the old boss insisted on everyone having the same email password (company policy), in what was a vindictive attempt to spy on the other employees, the end result was that he didn't expect other employees to also see his mail.

From : (insane client)
To : (boss)
Subject : WORTHLESS!!!
HEY (boss by his first name)! You have got to find someplace that will stop sending you those worthless employees you keep getting.  Its hard to find people BUT I ORDERED [an impossible load of stuff] MONTHS AGO AND YOU CAN'T PROVIDE!!!!  PUSH YOUR EMPLOYEES UNTIL THEY MOVE!!! IF THEY DONT, MAKE THEM!!! I HAD A COUPLE OF NIGGERS WORKING HERE AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW SHIT!!!!!!  AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE NIGGERS WORKING FOR YOU!!!! DO yOU!?!?!?  YOU SHOULD GET SOME CHINKS TO DO THE JOB!  THEY WORK LATE AND DON'T WHINE ABOUT SHITY PAY!!!!!! I TOLD YOUR OLD TECHFUCK TO GO TO MCDONALDS!! GET SOME REAL EMPLOYEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(insane client sig)

So, since my departure, I have had insane mail trying to call me back out of some insane idea that ex-employees had a moral and legal responsibility not to leave.  (I will post all them later)

But this one is so epic it must stand on its' own:

From : (secretary, obviously acting under orders of boss)
To : (me)
CC : (boss, finance staff)
Subject : Order to return immediately

(me),

If you do not return to the office no later than Friday, May 16, you will be subject to the following:

- Your salary must be paid back in full from dated from your first day of employment
- Deportation procedures will commence
- You will resume full time employment at your previous position with no pay for 6 months, after which you may leave

If you fail to comply, legal action will be pursued.  Furthermore, do not forward this message to any 3rd party (including lawyers) or you face further legal prosecution.

Awaiting your reply,
(secretary), on behalf of (boss)

So, the old boss is hospitalized.  Basically, we have a washroom that opens against the stairwell down, so taking a few steps from the washroom puts you down the stairs.

Anyway, one of the marketing staff was in there and no sooner did he go in than he heard the footstomps of the boss and pounding on the door "Hurry up and get back to work!".  The was met with the marketing staff in question forcing the door open as fast and hard as he was annoyed/angry.  This sent the boss flying down the stairs.  At his age, some physical damage was done...all right, from the sounds of it, quite a bit.

Of course, even with his absence, the mails from the insane clients would not stop.  The most insane wanted to know why things weren't done and why wasn't the boss replying to his mail ("WHERE ARE YOU!!!?!!! I WAITED AN HOUR AND GOT NO REPLY!!!!!  ARE YOU REALLY THAT WORTHLESS?!!!!!!!!!")

So one of the staff sent a nice reply asking for more time since the boss was indisposed and all, and what does everyone's wonderful eyes see (yep, another all caps masterpiece)?

From : (insane client)
To : (all our staff)
CC : (all his staff)
Subject : WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU LAZY PIECES OF FUCKSHITS WORKED IN MY OFFICE, I WOULD HAVE BEATEN YOU TO DEATH BY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT YOU ARE A STUPID LOT OF FUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WANT MORE TIME???!!!!!! THIS IS A REAL COMPANY WITH REAL GOALS AND IF YOU CAN'T MAKE THEM THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE WORKING THERE!!!!!!!!! DO YOUR WORK OR QUIT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So I stumbled upon this amusing piece of mail.  Every day it gets more insane, or he does.


From : (boss)
To : (all staff)
Subject : NO HOLIDAYS DURINNG BUSY TIMES

I kjnow this is sudden, but we have MANY clients and THEY AARE ALLIMPORTATN!!!  When we have a job to do you have a legal adn moral redsponsibilty AND WE MUST SATISFY THEM ALL!!!  Stop being selgfish with your prsonal time and think aboiut the hadn that feeds you.  NO HOLIDAYS WILL BE GIVEN UNTIL ALL PROJCTS ARE FINNISHED!!!!!

So another wonderful idea came about by the management.  Forget three strikes (mistakes), though making mistakes is "STEALING FROM THE COMPANY!!!!!".  The new rule is:

"All employees are allowed 3 drinks per day excluding those taken during the lunch break.  All drinks taken are to be marked on the new chart by the time card reader and must include the type of drink and when it was prepared (I assume they mean when you started to drink it)"

Of course, no reason was given for this at all, and the threat for failing to follow this rule was deduction of salary per incident (no amount given, not that doing so would make it any less illegal).  It was just "DO THIS OR YOU ARE STEALING FROM THE COMPANY!!!!!!!!!"

This already tripped up the boss, though, as he took a 4th drink and the secretary pointed it out to him, to which he gave another legendary reply:

"I MAKE RULES SO I CAN SEE HOW THEY WORK ON THE OTHER STAFF!  I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT TO MYSELF!"

...yeah

...still oblivious to the fact the staff are in open revolt against him.  Everyone loves the boss.  Just ask the boss himself.

One of the funnier things is how the boss thinks every piece of computer technology or service ever made was done so by Microsoft.  Here is a list of the amazing highlights of "Microsoft" technology:

* Microsoft Eudora
* Microsoft (3rd party text editor)
* Microsoft Linux
* Microsoft Firefox
* Microsoft Thunderbird
* Microsoft Solaris
* Microsoft Yahoo SQL (MySQL)

and

* Microsoft Internet

Used in context, that last one was:

"Microsoft, as evil as they are, invented the internet, and we should all be thankful for that"

So, upon reiterating the news of me running away as soon as possible, I got a series of calls one after another after another.

I had:

* 2 "Don't Leave!!!!!" calls
* 1 actual threat : "If you leave, I'll delete all of the data on the server and say it was you"
* 2 calls confirming I was leaving
* 1 confirming the dates I worked so I can be paid

...

* and the only "good luck" call I got was from a client.

But the best was a family member of the boss that called to yell

"Do you realize how insensitive you are being?  Can't you see you destroyed his soul!?!?!?"


...


destroyed his soul...

...

AWESOME!

Thanks to help provided by others, I have found a new job, and can kiss this one goodbye in the near future, but regardless, the insanity still goes forth for a little while (legal issues)

One of the commonplace things around here is that Monday mornings start out URGENT!!! NOW!!!! NOW!!!!! from the get go, despite the boss himself not showing up until 11 or so.  This continues through the week until Friday when, since that is the busiest day due to management screwing everything up again, he tries to force his employees to stay at their desks and/or books meetings beyond 7PM well into the night.  He once tried using himself to block the door and everyone trying to leave, but this just got him physically removed.

Anyways, one of the staff has a wedding (his own) to attend soon, and one of the other staff relayed the message "He (the boss) won't tell you himself, but he would really appreciate it if you could reschedule your wedding when the company isn't so busy.  Please understand"  This all a mere weeks before his wedding.  Of course, noone cares about our insane clients (read: "fuckshits") and I don't see why we need to provide neverending, unlimited support for a moronic client that paid us 1/10th of what we should be getting and drives us deeper into the red every minute we look at something for them.

  The boss has his own way of trying to avoid staff leaving.  He refuses to acknowledge when someone put in their notice.  He thinks that if he doesn't grant "permission" to leave or acknowledge such notices, then the employee cannot leave.  He threatens lawyers, but noone trusts him to handle that any better than his own company.